Why I'm Embracing the "Potato" Phase This Winter
Reclaiming Wellbeing in a World That Demands Too Much
I often describe myself as having an "infinite potential for energy." I love engaging with the world, being changed by it, and expressing that change creatively.
And I’m loathe to admit that after all these years, I still find myself stunned by the reality of being trapped inside a mortal vessel and under systems not made for me.
PHENOMENAL CREATIVE POWERS! Itty bitty living space!
The challenge is that I didn’t always have that wisdom or perspective. I denied my needs repeatedly—consciously or unconsciously. My body did not trust my mind to make constructive choices, and my mind became fearful of my body’s retaliation.
The result involved me white-knuckling my lived experience, terrified of slowing down for fear of never restarting, while the timer counted down to the next cycle of burnout where my body would choose for me.
As we enter winter, a time notorious for rest, I wanted to share some tools and strategies for making this time intentional rather than collapsing into an “enforced fallow period” as the wonderful Katherine May shared on our podcast.
Your Body Will Choose For You
While restraint collapse is a term used mostly to discuss the behavior of children after coming home from school, I find it to be a powerful term for my own experience.
It's the body's rebellion against the mind's tyranny, a desperate attempt to reclaim control after being ignored and overridden for too long. It could manifest for me in various ways, usually after long periods of overcontrolling myself (work, in conversations and social settings, etc.). And it looked something like this:
Emotional Outbursts: Sudden and intense displays of emotion, such as crying, anger, or irritability.
Physical Ailments: Headaches, stomachaches, fatigue, or other physical symptoms that seem to appear out of nowhere.
Exhaustion: A profound sense of tiredness that goes beyond ordinary fatigue.
Deteriorated Decision-Making: This includes impulsivity (spending, especially), struggling to be intentional, avoidance of decisions, and feeling like I’m floating through time.
Shutdown: A complete withdrawal from social interaction and activity, often accompanied by a sense of numbness or emptiness.
The Adulting Pressure Cooker
For neurodivergent individuals1, the experience of restraint collapse is often amplified. We navigate a world that wasn't designed for our brains, facing sensory overload, social challenges, and executive functioning difficulties. To cope, we develop intricate systems of masking and personalities of overcontrol, further contributing to the build-up of tension. As a result, we fear letting go of control, worried that we won't be able to "get back up" and meet the demands of daily life.
Imagine a scenario where you've been running a marathon with a sprained ankle. You've pushed through the pain, ignoring your body's signals, because finishing the race is the only thing that matters. Finally, you cross the finish line and collapse. But even as you lie there, exhausted and in pain, a part of you is terrified to truly let go.
Why?
Because you've become so used to functioning in a state of stress and overdrive that you fear you won't be able to get back up again if you fully surrender to rest.
You worry that if you allow yourself to heal, you'll lose the momentum that has kept you going, the momentum that allows you to meet those unrelenting demands of daily life.
This fear is particularly potent for those of us who are neurodivergent. We've often had to work twice as hard to meet expectations that don't align with our natural rhythms and ways of being. We've learned to mask, to compensate, to push ourselves beyond our limits just to "keep up" (never even to get ahead!). Letting go of control, even for a moment, can feel like risking everything we've worked so hard to create.
This fear can manifest in different ways:
Anxiety around rest: You may feel restless or anxious when you try to relax, finding it difficult to switch off your "productive" mindset.
Guilt and self-criticism: You may criticize yourself for resting, feeling like you should be doing more, even when you're exhausted. This can also manifest as a voice telling you that you’re being unreasonable, dramatic, or “too much.”
Difficulty prioritizing self-care: You may struggle to prioritize your own needs, putting the needs of others or the demands of work ahead of your own well-being.
Returning to overexertion too quickly: You may cut your rest short, feeling pressured to get back to "normal" functioning before you've fully recovered.
This fear of letting go can keep us trapped in a vicious cycle. We overexert ourselves, experience burnout, and then resist true rest because we're afraid of losing our momentum.
Restraint collapse, then, is not simply a failure of self-control; it's a consequence of a long-term breakdown in self-trust. It's a signal that we need to re-evaluate our relationship with our bodies and minds, to learn to listen to their wisdom, and to prioritize our wellbeing.
The Breakdown of Self-Trust
It seems paradoxical: we push ourselves relentlessly, demonstrating a certain level of self-trust (we trust we can handle it all), yet we simultaneously break down that very trust (we connect our capability to force, not nourishment).
The "trust" we operate on is often warped. It's not a trust in our well-being, but a trust in our capacity for endurance. We trust we can withstand more, push further, and ignore our limits. This becomes a harmful cycle of self-abandonment.
We become reliant on fear and anxiety to keep us going. The fear of failure, of not meeting expectations, of being seen as "less than" becomes the driving force behind our productivity. This creates a system where rest feels like a threat to our very survival.
Here's the rub: what often hinders our progress is our inability to truly let go. We crave deep nourishment and renewal, but our fear of losing control keeps us tethered to a cycle of overexertion and exhaustion.
True restoration requires a surrender, a willingness to relinquish the tight grip we have on ourselves. It's about allowing ourselves to fully unwind, to sink into a state of deep rest where our bodies and minds can finally begin to heal.
This surrender can feel terrifying, especially for those of us accustomed to pushing through discomfort and prioritizing productivity. We may fear that if we truly let go, we'll lose our momentum, our ability to function, or even our sense of self.
But here's the truth: letting go is not about giving up; it's about creating space for something new to emerge. It's about trusting that we can rest and recharge without losing our drive or our capacity to create.
This deep nourishment, the kind that truly revitalizes us, can only come when we cultivate a deep sense of safety within ourselves.
If complete surrender feels too daunting, start small. Practice letting go bit by bit, allowing yourself moments of rest throughout the day, even if it's just a few deep breaths or a short walk in nature. Gradually, you'll build the capacity for deeper rest and cultivate a greater sense of trust in your ability to unwind without losing yourself.
Remember, the energy we expend on overcontrolling ourselves is energy that could be used for healing and growth. By learning to let go, we free up that energy, allowing it to flow toward what truly nourishes us.
Going from Awareness to Action
If this post resonates, here are some tools and strategies to go from awareness to action.