Have you ever felt like you're constantly trying to stand out, to prove you're different, special, unique? Like you're on this endless quest to uncover your one true purpose, something that sets you apart from the crowd? Uncover those gifts that no one else has but you?
For the last few months, I've been exploring this very feeling1. I've been testing a hypothesis:
I am unspecial and unoriginal.
And guess what? You, my dear readers, have proved me right.
Before you cringe or get defensive, that statement is not a bad thing. It’s a glorious gift. But if you read it and winced or felt a knot in your stomach? You’re in the right soup.
You see, every time my audience has liked a post, left a comment, or simply resonated with my words, you've shown me that I'm not alone in my experiences.
Being "unspecial" doesn't mean I'm not valuable or worthy. It simply means I'm part of something bigger, connected to others in ways I may never fully grasp.
Two cheers for never having an original thought!
Focusing on my uniqueness meant hyper-fixating on my differences
But it took me a while to get here.
For years, I focused on my uniqueness, hyper-fixating on my differences. And when all of my energy was pouring into how I was not the same as other people, I widened the chasm between us. I fed those harmful thoughts:
No one can understand me.
No one will accept me.
I do not belong.
Sure, there was a fleeting pleasure in feeling a tiny bit "better than," but it never lasted. This coping mechanism did its job—keeping me safe through isolation. If I was different, truly unique, then no one could hurt me. Their criticism couldn't land because they didn't get me.
Why we chase the “original” carrot
But what's the point of being different? I had to get honest about why I was chasing this "original" carrot. My urge to be special was rooted in two things: a joyful yearning to express my creativity and a protective fear of vulnerability.
My desire to be original stemmed from a deep desire to be seen and valued for my gifts. It was firmly planted in my favorite part of myself: my creativity. When I was labeled "special" or "unique," part of my brain felt: they value my creativity! And to be seen for something I cherished about myself… well, that's powerful.
Now, before we get lost in the "external validation is bad" trap, let me be clear: external validation is not inherently wrong. It's human to want your community to see you, affirm you, and celebrate your contributions. It becomes problematic when we become entirely reliant on it because we lack the skills to validate ourselves.
Here's the catch: yes, striving for originality and specialness had a high yield! It made me feel like my community valued my contributions. But it also meant I was othering myself, creating distance between me and the very people I wanted to connect with. While a part of me was celebrating being seen, another part was grieving the growing distance.
I may have finally found the land of “originality” but it turned out to be a lonely island.
Be careful not to confirm something you don’t want to be true
Nothing is all or nothing. Wanting to be unique or special isn't the problem. In fact, it's connected to a beautiful part of us: our innate creativity and desire to make an impact. This yearning to express ourselves, to contribute something meaningful to the world, should be celebrated.
However, constantly pursuing and collecting evidence of how different you are can lead to a sense of isolation. It's like building a wall around yourself, brick by brick, with each "unique" trait. This wall might seem protective, but it also keeps others out, perpetuating a feeling of emotional loneliness.
The challenge lies in holding the whole reality – the desire for originality and the need for connection. We need to learn to dance in that in-between space, where we can honor our unique edge without othering ourselves.
Honoring Authenticity vs. Striving for Originality
Here's a key distinction: there's a difference between striving to be original and honoring your authenticity.
When we strive for originality, we're often driven by external validation, comparison, and a fear of not being "enough." It's a constant chase, a need to prove ourselves. This keeps us in the role of "other," separate and distanced.
But when we act and create from authenticity, we tap into something deeper. We honor the unique blend of experiences and abilities within us, recognizing that while others may share similar components, the combination is distinctly ours.
Authenticity allows us to connect with others who resonate with our perspective, while still retaining our individuality. It's a paradox: by embracing our authentic selves, we find both connection and a sense of belonging and a unique place in the world.
Tools for Finding the Balance
So how do we navigate this delicate dance? Here are a few tips:
The Closer or Distanced Tool: When you feel the urge to be "original," ask yourself: "Is this action or behavior bringing me closer to myself and others, or is it creating distance?" If it's creating distance, it might be stemming from that striving-to-be-original place.
The Drawn vs. Driven Tool: This tool, borrowed from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), helps you understand the intention behind your actions. Are you drawn to something by a genuine desire, an inner pull? Or are you driven by compulsion, fear, or the need for external validation? If it's the latter, it might be rooted in the pursuit of originality rather than an expression of authenticity.
Embrace Vulnerability: True connection requires vulnerability. It means letting go of the need to be "special" and allowing yourself to be seen, imperfections and all. Practice seeing how people are the same as you and celebrating that.
Focus on Shared Humanity: Remember that at our core, we are all connected. Focus on the things that unite us, the shared human experiences that transcend our differences.
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